In processing this latest letting go in a lifetime of practising to let go, I have realised I hate letting go. You see, when I love 9 if i love) it is not with part of me but with all. Even though Tony has taken himself away the love remains and haunts me stealing my sleep and rest and aching in my chest that grows and makes me cringe.
I cannot eat.
I drift into sleep only to wake a few moments later.
I wait for the sound of him struggling with the lock at night.
I look for his car NOT parked in its usual spot as I walk to the train.
I miss his arms reaching to haul me close and hug me anytime I walked past to get something from another room. I miss his quietness and snuffling.
I had a first day of a two day training course today and pasted normal on my face and in a smile I wore. Inside the words built up behind a silent scream that fills me inside, consuming all the emptiness.
I pick up my cell phone and go to text an update, on one of the kids, or mum, or me, and stop and stare at the phone and send nothing. I feel lost.
I feel broken. The exhaustion from holding the shattered pieces together does not even help me sleep.
Monday, 2 March 2009
bedroom Whimsy
Do you have the following in your bedroom?
Condoms: No.
Cell phone:Yes. it is my alarm clock
Book shelf: No.
Couch/Futon: No.
Computer/laptop: Right now, yes but it doesn't usually live here.
Pictures: Yes.
Mirror: one large full length mirror just inside the doorway.
Skateboard: no.
Bed:This is the main feature of the room.
Pillows: yes, 5.
Clothes on the floor: Not at all.
Surfboard: No.
Smoke detector: yes.
Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums: yes i have a guitar.
Locking door: Not at all. In fact I have an open door policy.
Bottle of water: Yes.
Blacklight: No.
Lava Lamp: No, but Geni has one.
medals/ribbons: No.
CDs: No.
Flag? No.
Stop sign/any sign: No.
Paintball gun: No.
Real Gun: No.
Cigarettes: No.
Pot: No.
Any drugs: No.
Alcohol: No.
Books: Piles beside the bed.
ps2:/Xbox:/Gamecube: Theya re in the family room.
Stereo: No.
Gum: No.
How many windows do you have in ur room:1 wall is a huge window.
What is the color of your walls? Light olive green.
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom? A bit of both.
What's on your walls? Nothing at the moment. Not a thing - wait, I have a small stuffed bear on a heart as well as a zulu message bead pin.
Has the opposite sex been in your room before? Yes.
Has the opposite sex been on your bed? Yes.
Has the opposite sex slept in your bed? Yes.
Ever had sex in your bed? Yes.
Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you? Up until Sunday it has been Tony since we bought the bed. Just he and I.
What is under your bed? Nothing
Do you like your bedroom: I do. It's my oasis.
Condoms: No.
Cell phone:Yes. it is my alarm clock
Book shelf: No.
Couch/Futon: No.
Computer/laptop: Right now, yes but it doesn't usually live here.
Pictures: Yes.
Mirror: one large full length mirror just inside the doorway.
Skateboard: no.
Bed:This is the main feature of the room.
Pillows: yes, 5.
Clothes on the floor: Not at all.
Surfboard: No.
Smoke detector: yes.
Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums: yes i have a guitar.
Locking door: Not at all. In fact I have an open door policy.
Bottle of water: Yes.
Blacklight: No.
Lava Lamp: No, but Geni has one.
medals/ribbons: No.
CDs: No.
Flag? No.
Stop sign/any sign: No.
Paintball gun: No.
Real Gun: No.
Cigarettes: No.
Pot: No.
Any drugs: No.
Alcohol: No.
Books: Piles beside the bed.
ps2:/Xbox:/Gamecube: Theya re in the family room.
Stereo: No.
Gum: No.
How many windows do you have in ur room:1 wall is a huge window.
What is the color of your walls? Light olive green.
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom? A bit of both.
What's on your walls? Nothing at the moment. Not a thing - wait, I have a small stuffed bear on a heart as well as a zulu message bead pin.
Has the opposite sex been in your room before? Yes.
Has the opposite sex been on your bed? Yes.
Has the opposite sex slept in your bed? Yes.
Ever had sex in your bed? Yes.
Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you? Up until Sunday it has been Tony since we bought the bed. Just he and I.
What is under your bed? Nothing
Do you like your bedroom: I do. It's my oasis.
Loss
Empty hours enfold me
fenced with longing, deepest loss
hope suspended all
lost in a moment
words flung as challenge breaking
apart my whole world
anger palpable
rackets through the solid night
sundering hope
Empty room empty
hearth and heart silent words ring
scream inside unvoiced
fenced with longing, deepest loss
hope suspended all
lost in a moment
words flung as challenge breaking
apart my whole world
anger palpable
rackets through the solid night
sundering hope
Empty room empty
hearth and heart silent words ring
scream inside unvoiced
Sunday, 1 March 2009
made it through today
I feel a little fragile and punchdrunk.
But, I survived today.
I went to work AND functioned.
And that is enough for now.
But, I survived today.
I went to work AND functioned.
And that is enough for now.
My soul ( thanks Gina)
Your Soul is Welcoming |
 You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
How I am thinking
I have shared my walk through life; my ups, my downs and my everything with him for 6 years. Facing ahead without him is daunting and hard.
I liked bouncing things off him.
I cannot.
And in truth, lately, he would not let me talk with him. I was too loud. Asking him how his day was got a monosyllabic answer. I do not want to live like that. I was and felt stifled and very unhappy. I felt fettered and controlled and limited, instead of being able to be, me. I would ask him what he meant by an ordinary day and he would act like I was paining him. I was showing genuine interest and he was closing me out. I knew this.
I need to remake my habit of watching the clock and waiting for him. I do not need to wonder where he was or how he is because by his going I have lost that right. You see, he will not be leaving on his work journeying and then heading home to the warmth that was our home. I will miss coming back into the bedroom and kissing him good morning while his arms tried to drag me back into bed and close to him. I miss already his night murmurings and snufflings of not quite words and of my toes reaching across the bed to find him there. And falling back into a safe sleep.
He will replace me fairly fast as he always had a companion along for the ride. When I first met him I used to tease him about his harem. I will become a photo in his hard drive directory that makes his next or the one after that wonder where his head and heart are. He will turn away and lock me out back behind an inpenetrable barrier with what could have been. I have seen him do this with his son.
Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late.
I liked bouncing things off him.
I cannot.
And in truth, lately, he would not let me talk with him. I was too loud. Asking him how his day was got a monosyllabic answer. I do not want to live like that. I was and felt stifled and very unhappy. I felt fettered and controlled and limited, instead of being able to be, me. I would ask him what he meant by an ordinary day and he would act like I was paining him. I was showing genuine interest and he was closing me out. I knew this.
I need to remake my habit of watching the clock and waiting for him. I do not need to wonder where he was or how he is because by his going I have lost that right. You see, he will not be leaving on his work journeying and then heading home to the warmth that was our home. I will miss coming back into the bedroom and kissing him good morning while his arms tried to drag me back into bed and close to him. I miss already his night murmurings and snufflings of not quite words and of my toes reaching across the bed to find him there. And falling back into a safe sleep.
He will replace me fairly fast as he always had a companion along for the ride. When I first met him I used to tease him about his harem. I will become a photo in his hard drive directory that makes his next or the one after that wonder where his head and heart are. He will turn away and lock me out back behind an inpenetrable barrier with what could have been. I have seen him do this with his son.
Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late.
Morning 1
The night is ending.
It is still dark outside but the monday morning commuter traffic is my audible background interspersed with quiet lulls ( the phasing of the lights one suburb north!)
It has been a long night.
My daughters rallied round and gathered together with me to make sure I was afloat and not splintering. The noise level escalated accordingly. They came laden with their idea of comfort food, M&M's ( only orange ones), chocolate on chocolate ice cream, crisps, popcorn, a bbq chicken and fresh bread rolls.
I could not stomach food.
They ate heartily.
Tess was having a few contractions. It may stop and start but there are signs Abigail is not far away from being with us. In fact, I am surprised I was not called in the wee small hours.
But soon.
I am okay.
The kitchen is clean.
I have put away the washing.
I am sipping my first coffee.
I am not thinking too much.
It is still dark outside but the monday morning commuter traffic is my audible background interspersed with quiet lulls ( the phasing of the lights one suburb north!)
It has been a long night.
My daughters rallied round and gathered together with me to make sure I was afloat and not splintering. The noise level escalated accordingly. They came laden with their idea of comfort food, M&M's ( only orange ones), chocolate on chocolate ice cream, crisps, popcorn, a bbq chicken and fresh bread rolls.
I could not stomach food.
They ate heartily.
Tess was having a few contractions. It may stop and start but there are signs Abigail is not far away from being with us. In fact, I am surprised I was not called in the wee small hours.
But soon.
I am okay.
The kitchen is clean.
I have put away the washing.
I am sipping my first coffee.
I am not thinking too much.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
