As usual he came home close to 9pm.
I had been home for hours and I found myself asked by Geni ( almost 14) to magically front up with another $300 overnight so she could sign up for netball. For 6 weeks I have been asking her foe sign up details; how much, where, when, uniform etc. Did I get this information a week ago? Nooooooo. Today at 10am to 2pm they are signing up for extracurricular netball at an obscure oval miles from any train station and Tony is not around.
This would not be an issue except on tuesday I shelled out $2000 for school fees for both Leonnie and Geni not to mention uniform and text books. Now these are NOT expenses Tony and I share, because tony is not their father and although Leonnie lives largely with her father, he never pays a cent towards her care, clothing, hygiene or education. It was a huge spend in one week. There was no leeway to stretch until next week and I hate saying no to them. I was frustrated and in tears. I know it is silly but it is how I reacted.
Tony obviously had a bad day and was looking for commiseration from me and I just didn;t have it. He snapped at me and gave me an order and I refused to budge or change and snapped back. Now, normally I bite my tongue as nothing is accomplished but last night I was at my very end and suddenly it was about me.
I felt terribly sorry for myself. Noone has ever shared the load with me financially. Always it has been me that carried the weight of raising and educating all my kids by myself. Even though i have been with Tony for 5 years now he has never contributed financially to my burdens, although in all honesty I have backfilled for him and subsidised him throughout this time. I buy all the food, pay all the utilities, pay half the house.roof over head expenses as well.
So last night when I wanted and needed understanding and support, did I get that from him? Oh no. I got childish flouncing, ordering em to behave and not express how I feel and snatching away my current phone body. Please note he bought himself an iPhone last Saturday and I asked for his iMate so because I had an attitude he snatched away the iMate and hid it. Really mature.
So there you have it - I am feeling sorry for myself and depressed. And i now have no mobile hone having given my own one to leonnie as her phone wasn't working.
I suppose I will clean the house.
Oh, Maggs, I wish we were closer. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself occasionally, especially with what you've been through/going through through. Kids don't seem to realize that money actually doesn't grow on trees. You've done more than you share in raising your own kids, and the kid named Tony. How immature of him. Sheesh! Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Giant hugs across the water.
ReplyDeletePS: Can you send me your address, please?
ReplyDeleteSend it to
fantabulousdi@yahoo.com
That's not my regular E Mail addy, but I feel safer putting that one here, rather than my 'real' one. Thanks. HUGS!
Can we go get some coffee and chocolate together? I really do understand so much how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that things are a little better today and that you are feeling much better. I think we are entitled to feel that way every once in a while, and it would be nice if the men in our lives understood and were compassionate, but it does sound as though T. was having a difficult day himself. *big hugs*
I'm here you know... if you want to talk. I've been pretty absent lately, but I do love and care about you.
xxx
Thanks Wiz.....it is nice to know it is okay. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSilly? Oh, Maggs, your silly to think we all would think you silly over this issue (warmly smiles)But I know somewhat the feeling. I was brought up with parents of which I saw never cry-my father used to say it was silly when he'd catch me crying over something when I was a young girl.Mom-- I found out did cry, though I never saw her.She said she did so down in the basement over the washing machine.I rather see no one cry who I care for, though I know the release it gives when done.
ReplyDeleteLater in life mom would tell me to go and have a good cry.Thank God I can on ocassion without feeling too silly.
Chuckles....
Squishy hugs for you mt friend.
And coffee across the table for you.
I am sorry to know you are having such a difficult time. Some people will always let others carry the burden. It's hard to understand. I hope things get easier. Take good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry Maggs~~I think having a good long cry does the trick for me. Of course I find myself doing it more and more these days. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you~~
ReplyDeleteSending you a long distance hug~~
Love,
Robin
*hugs* love you :)
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in the need to occasionally set your burdens down, and it is not selfish to ask for some help (or at the very least, appreciation) from those whose burdens you carry.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful woman, and at the absolute minimum you deserve that much from them.
Where are you Maggs? I thought to have coffee with you tonight and a new entry.
ReplyDeleteMight have to find you on facebook,lol.
Hope your well my friend (warm smiles..)
I want to thank you all for the support and encouragement. Sometimes my dark moments are buried and swallowed and I am learning it is essential to allow all parts of me a voice. I swing between the noble and the selfless to the terribly flawed and human. I suppose you find the balance to me here. Thanks for understanding and accepting, and helping me know even this is okay.
ReplyDelete