Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Newly graduated!! Amira Kathleen 2009

And am I not the proud Mum? Amy is on the right.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Attitude of Gratitude

Have you ever noticed how easily most children are made happy? Simple things — a colorful sticker, a trip to the park, hugging a cuddly puppy — make them squeal with delight and smile for hours.

Naturally, it's not as easy for adults to be so easily satisfied. While simple things should make us happy, life has gotten more complicated. Cute as they are, puppies just won't do it anymore — our happiness too often comes from big paychecks and expensive purchases. We've got less time to enjoy life and we're more stressed out. It's enough to make you wish you were a kid again!

What's making you happy these days?
Is it all about getting shiny new things, or are you finding value in feeling healthy and energetic?
Do you feel peaceful and in control of your life?

Contentment feels good, too — learn to savor and appreciate the feeling, which costs nothing but your own determination and discipline.

This week, I will focus on taking pleasure in the simple things life brings my way! I will take a snack to my local park and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine,.... I will take a walk through a pet store, or bring freshly picked flowers to an elderly neighbor. Iwon't spend much money, and the reward of simple pleasures will last all day!

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Notes from a busy life

1. The apartment we are currently renting is listed for auction on 18 April ( less than a month lead time. How does one spell "fire sale"? We have not be requested to leave but the intrusion and the constant state of perfection required to show the place is wearing at the least. Coming home to find things moved and hidden in "unknown" places is annoying. It took me three days to find a slip of paper I had sitting on top of a bookshelf so I could find it.

( I do not see this forced move as an imposition. It is time for a change. Time to think about buying as I know the rough area I would like to reside in. Although a short six month/12 month lease in that same area would not hurt.)

2. Amy graduates this evening and she is only allowed a limited number of seats. Mum, Tess, Pandy and I will all go. Geni will stay with Erik and the two little ones as a helper and to ensure she and Tony don't clash. There is war between those two; she sees him as needing to make an effort as HE left us. HE sees that she is "mean to him". Needless to say I am piggy in the middle and dislike this intensely. Geni eventually listens to me and realises that whatever Tony and I do, it is NOT her decision to make. There are lessons here for her along the lines of everything that happens is NOT all about her. Geni listens and considers what all this does to me. Tony sees he "gave up everything for her" when we took her in when her father threw her out. So therefore I am not sure what he expects or wants. I do know knocking on the door every minute when she showers does not lessen tension. I am grateful she wants to be clean!!! AND if it gets too much I will say or do something. Tony sees Geni as "ruling the household", and I see him descending to the level of squabbling child. My mantra is that the only way to win is NOT to play and I find myself in the middle trying to broker a peace. In the end Tony bites my head off and I pen my big mouth and tell him what I think of him.

3. I am NOT pretty when I open my mouth and a monster marches out dressed in my opinions, laced with feeling and high emotion.

4. I am glad it is Monday and I have work to focus on.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Images of my place, today

This is how I live, and gives you a small idea of my personal "taste".

I remember a series where people posted their bedrooms or their desk. My desk isn;t included, but my bedroom is.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009


I have learned I am able to forgive but I tend not to forget. The lessons in life like forgiveness I gather to me through all of life's experience and are linked with values and emotions, and woven through with passion. Sometimes I have a struggle with forgiveness when someone has hurt me, deeply. I struggle with the part of me that clings to the hurt and goes over and over it again and again in my mind, not allowing myself time and distance to let things settle.

But what is forgiveness? I see forgiveness as letting go of the need for revenge and releasing any negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. As a parent, I have found I have many wonderful opportunities to model how to forgive and how to live forgiveness for my children. If they observe how I reconcile with friends or family who have wronged me, perhaps they will then learn not to harbor resentment over the ways in which I may disappoint them. I see forgiveness as a valuable skill to practice, but as with all things worth something, there is always a cost of some sort.

In the movie “Avalon,” the uncle stopped talking to his family members for the rest of his life because they started Thanksgiving dinner without him after he was excessively late for the zillionth time. What a waste of energy it is to stay angry for decades. Yet even in my own family, my sister has hugged anger and jealousy and bitterness all brewed up in her own mind, until it solidified into a wall that leaks poison whenever she gets close. Even my mother after many years has finally realised that what words leak poison may have no basis in fact - rather they reflect what my sister thinks and feels and the reality is very different. But this is her choice. All we can do is protect each other.

Forgiveness as many of you have said is a gift that we give to ourselves.

How do I build up to forgiving?
1. I acknowledge my own inner pain. It is important in caring for myself that I value my own emotions, and validate how I truly feel. I take the time not to self medicate my pain, or run away from it, or ignore it; rather I launch myself headlong INTO it and through it allowing it to wash and break over me and so help rather than hinder my emotional healing.
2. I try to express my emotions in non-hurtful ways without yelling or attacking. Now this I sometimes find hard, simply because I am human. It takes conscious effort not to hurt back when someone snipes and cuts at who you really are. But it can be done. Often it is a good tactic to agree with the person who is attacking; this throws them as it is the last thing they expect. It buys you time to calm down and find something unexpected to say or do. it helps you break through the shock and take back your own power.
3. I protect myself from further hurt. I either remove myself from the situation of find another focus. If I cannot physically get away I will take myself away in my mind and heart and find refuge elsewhere. This gives all the raw hurt and emotions time to settle. it helps me find balance.
4.I am kind to myself and up my self care. I treat myself with the same consideration I expend on others. This is difficult for me and takes real effort as for the majority of my life a series of others have always come before me. In my actions, in my deeds and in my thoughts.
5. I try to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven; replace anger with compassion. I have found in doing this that I often get yelled at. I mean - how DARE I try and speak for them. Often someone in a state all wound up cannot see that when I paraphrase back and give what MAY be the reason they think or feel like that, I am not saying I can read their mind rather I am looking for confirmation and seeking to better understand. No matter how well I know someone, I am all too aware there are so many areas I simply have no idea. I have most of a life time of practicing to put myself inside another person's mind and "walk in their shoes for a mile" to help me accept and understand the whys of how and the whats that people choose to do.
6. I accept that even if what other people choose is wrong in my mind, it is their right to choose for whatever reason of their on. Often I cannot see which lesson they are learning, but it may be that this hurt is a milestone on a journey in someone else's life that could make all the difference. Anything worth having costs something.
7. I accept that I may never fully know or understand. I do believe that all things DO work together for good. Eventually. I accept I even do not always have to see. Sometimes it is my place to plant a seed that may lie qquiet for many years un til the conditions are right for the lesson to be learned.
8. I forgive yourself for my role in the relationship and for allowing myself to be put in a position where there has been hurt or harm done to me.
9. I then decide whether to remain in the relationship.
10. I perform the overt act of forgiveness verbally or in writing. If the person is dead or unreachable, you can still write down your feelings in letter form. There are some people I have struggled with forgiving for years. But in order to move on truly and not stunt my own emotional growth, I have to forgive and let go. Forgiveness has been one of my biggest lessons. Along with Not everyone is like me - or thinks or feels or chooses to act like me.

What Forgiveness Is Not…
Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It did happen, and we need to retain the lesson learned without holding onto the pain.
Forgiveness is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.
Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or in the future.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.
Forgiving and letting go can be very difficult challenges, but it’s even more stressful to hold on to grudges. There are several symbolic letting-go rituals that can help with the process. If you are having trouble forgiving someone else, write them a letter expressing all of your feelings and explaining why you need to let go. You don’t need to mail that letter — it is cathartic just to write it all down. You can also write down all of your excess “baggage” on a piece of paper and burn it or cast it into the sea in a bottle when you are ready to really let go.

I know looking at all this and setting it down has helped me.

I hope there is something here for you too.

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Deep Thoughts

1. On my left hand, the pad at the base of my thumb aches as if strained. We don't often think about this part of our hand and take it's function and functioning and all it helps us accomplish for granted. Sometime late last week I twisted or strained something and the ache is deep in that part of my hand. But also, if I turn the hand to do something up or undo it - the hand yells at me ( silently). This morning while dressing for work, I thought of all those aged souls who struggle with chronic pain every day as they try to dress and undress. I am grateful for this window into understanding others.

2. Love. What is it? What does it mean? When someone hurts you in a childish and selfish way, how do you react? What do you do? I have been faced with a deep choice. How am I able to manifest love? What best is true to my authentic voice? What is right for me to do, here?

3. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is not easy but can be rewarding. But forgiveness is a choice and a letting go of anger. Forgiveness opens the door to grace and peace, but not without a cost. All the stories one reads, so few talk of the cost of truly loving. Forgiveness is a journey.

Sunday, 22 March 2009


We both showed up, at 8am.
We completed the forms and went in to talk to an older man about an argument we keep coming to and have wrestled with, for four years.

I was open.
I spoke, eloquently of my passion and my hurt.

The counsellor believes we have the basis of a solid relationship if both of us start to communicate without pushing each others' buttons.
Tony has gone quiet since the session.

I spoke how I believe Tony and my definition of love is very different.
Tony sees love as involving sacrifice form my perspective and indeed I know that love often does. (What mother could or would not see that easily?)

I believe in love through thick and thin, ebb and flow and up and down that does not give up lifelong. Tony sees love as stay while it is good and joyful and bail if it gets hard. ( that is my perspective).

I spoke honestly of my knee jerk "get lost!" reaction to his I will come home email ( with his terms and conditions). Tony looked shocked.
I asked Tony if the thought had even crossed his mind that his choice ( although his to make) that Saturday that sparked the final row/argument was perhaps selfish and inconsiderate? He hadn't and certainly didn't see it that way!

I pointed out to him that as he can make those choices, I too have every right to react! And he may not like the reaction.

The counsellor suggested we may discuss together each week what we are doing and what our plans are so there will be no expectations or assumptions.

He also suggested that I take back my power.
I like that one.
I need to look at what Tony can and can't give me, and he then suggested I look at where else my needs may be met.
This is something I am already looking at.

I also spelled out to Tony how deeply he had dumped me in it financially by leaving as he did and how I have not laid any of that on him.

He was shocked.
Can he possibly NOT have realised?

he has been very quiet since the counselling.
I suspect it will be some time before I hear from him again.

Soccer Sense

Geni is playing soccer with a group wherein some of the girls have been playing since they were 5 or 6 years old. One of her friends is a rep player, and it is that father who is coaching while I handle the communication, the paperwork and well - whatever. I have had immense fun with the training ( both in attending and organising) and at the game yesterday ( despite the sunburn.). Mum telephoned smack in the middle and she said she could hear the joy in my voice.

It delights me to be able to provide this opportunity an support this for Geni, and to see her with her group of friends involved in a team sport and doing so well delights me. I offered to do some ball drills with her in the oval across the road from home and she laughed at me. Apparently I am old so therefore.... ( boy oh boy does she have a thing or two to learn!!!!).

The more experienced girls have what I could only refer to as a soccer sense or game sense. How am I able to help geni develop that?

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Sunday Evening winding down

Interesting active weekend as I soaked up some of the last of the end of summer sunlight. Heck I even have a bit of sunburn,caught on the sidelines of the mid day's soccer game. The team had their trial match today and the girls mesh well and raise hope for the coming soccer season.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Soccer training Thursday evening at 5.30 until 7pm. It is not only Geni who is making friends - I am too. While she trains two other mothers and I will walk around the oval.

Thursday, 19 March 2009


I went to Geni's soccer training and loved every second of it. The coach and his assistant have a new ball girlie (me) and the hour and a half of running around made very cell in my body tingle. As the manager I set up a blog for the team to communicate which makes getting in touch with everyone and answering questions absolutely easy. So Thursday painted a grin on my face. Geni went "home" with Nadia (school mate) and Nadia's mum dropped then at soccer and after wards dropped Geni and I at the train for the 10 minute trip home. A piece of cake!!! Nadia's mum ( her name escapes me) loves dance as much as I do so I am working on convincing her to come dancing with me!! One never knows. One of the places we look at tomorrow is near Nadia and her family.

Due to good management and a determination to find a new home I have five appointments in the course of tomorrow (my Saturday). With good fortune I MAY just find my new home.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Shaky Global Economy comes home to me

Tony and I moved the Sydney ( northern suburbs) when Dopey offered us Geni exactly one year ago. As we were not sure how this would go, we rented and fairly swiftly found a place and moved in and discussion with the landlord were around a long lease - the first one being for one year.

This is one of two investment properties for them. Last Friday I received a scanned unsigned letter via emil informing me they are selling, the place being put on the market immediately.

Some notable points here; I am still on my lease. They need to give me sufficient notice.

Yesterday I received a call from the selling agent asking if I wold make the place available at 10am today for a photographer. I suggested that was not sufficient notice and the agent got a little huffy. She also informed me open house /viewings wold be at 10am each Saturday.

I dislike the short notice but I was not staying anyways and had my eye on a few places the first of which I saw after work yesterday. Mental note to self: if a place looks too good to e true on paper, there is usually a reason. The dollars were affordable, the surrounding area was suitable and the place was a musty damp ridden shoebox. I walked in, around once and walked out. I have another two places to see Saturday.

I love moving!!!

Monday, 16 March 2009


Two major work projects are moving ahead swimmingly and successfully. TICK.
I have taken on and undertaken the management of Geni's soccer team; set up a blog or notification, emailled everyone with changes and news and details. TICK.
I have made appointments to view other premises, tomorrow and Thursday and Saturday as the owners of this one are putting it on the market (my slice of fallout from the global financial crisis). C"EST LA VIE!!
I have organised the counsellor's appointment for 8am next Monday for both of us, with his agreement. TICK
I have signed up for dance ( hip hop) lessons each Tuesday evening beginning April - much to my children;s amusement. TICK.
Tomorrow is our usual Wednesday dinner visit to my mum, and then dropping Leonnie home while we make our own way home.
I have a coffee appointment with a friend Friday evening after work, as I have no kids this weekend.


If he is dismal and depressed, because he

has heaps of tax work to do
too little money

Why does he persist?

I have asked him to come back.
I have asked him to drop by anytime.
I have arranged an appoint ment with a counsellor.
I have asked him twice to meet.

Where is his initiative?
Where is HIS doing to fix this?

Each day that goes by adds to the hurt and the ache.

Have you seen a cross sectioned bungee cord?
My feelings right now, are like that.
Each time he says or does something selfish or distancing or judgmental another strand breaks.

Eventually, love notwithstanding, the door will no longer be open.
It does not mean the love ends.
It means I stop allowing it and him to hurt me any more.

Trying to be positive

...and sometimes failing miserably.

I am getting mixed messages from Him. I have a flood of email that largely outline for me my issues and "fault". I lrgely do not respond but sometimes ( SOMETIMES) I feel I have to defend myself. Those responses are seen as mixed messages. Why He gets the "fine whatever you want" messages he sees that as progress?

He tells me in a one line email he does love me.
Several hours later he tells me he WILL come back but just to show me he is serious about us. And follows through with two pages of , well for want of a better word - HIM. That was 3pm Friday. I had a one word text message saying goodnight Friday and then Sunday. He has not approached me about coming back. Yesterday morning he sends a two line email telling me he will come back when he stops getting mixed messages. WHAT mixed messages???

As he emailled the landlord telling them he had moved out and as I am paying all the rent, last week I asked for his key back. THIS is what prompted the I love you and I will come back.

We have a counsellor booked for next Monday. He says he is hoping they will help us. I hope and pray he comes with an open heart because I suspect he will not like what is said and he too will need to work IF he truly wants this.

Right now I am counting the cost of loving this man for the rest of my life. I now know the cost intimately and well and truly know I give more than I take. I love him ( I dont HALF love and hold back....) but I also love myself.

Where to from here? Who knows. Now when you are a young girl starting out, with all the romance and love floating about, why does no one tell you it hurts so much, that one dies constantly to oneself?


Got through several pressing tasks, found things for the auditor, filed a mountain of papers, and ended up feeling lost and flat.

And very very tired.

I just cannot find the words, so I shan't labour it

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Sunday winding down

The 14 year old contingent has all left to prepare for their week to come and the place is almost to rights again. There is still a bit of cleaning and a bit of tidying and work to do in Geni's room, but the pizza was consumed ( with extra dough prepared and frozen for future pizzas) and there is leftover triple choc brownies. The dishes are done ( but not yet put away) and the whites are soaking in bleach including the calico dining chair covers.

Leonnie has episodes of the OC underway and we three girls are lounging.

I am also sipping a huge freshly brewed coffee.

Sunday Sounds

I have 5 x 14 year olds and a 13 year old filling this living space with noise and laughter and making my heart sing. I am about to make dough for pizza bases to feed them and throw on triple chocolate brownies for dessert but thought to just wave from late summer/early autumn to you all as Sunday grows around me and the new week looms.

Farm Town on Facebook has filled my unslept night hours with something simple and fun. I am addicted.

Friday, 13 March 2009


Life has put me in a situation where I must think long and hard and deeply, about what I want. And where and how I go on from here. Every loss is an opportunity. The tearing and rending a way to clear whatever exists on the surface leaving the foundations and the earth below and what it is hard to see at that time, is the possibility and opportunity that this sort of disturbance can also bring.

For a while I felt it important to gather my grief and my thoughts, and clutch all my feelings to myself.

I do not believe I need to hide who I am nor what I think.
I am not ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.
And if this is about MY thoughts and feelings, then so what!!

*big intake of breath***

There is an exhaustive string of correspondence(email and text) I could post and throw out for discussion to help me gauge what is right/fair in all this. I have chosen not to as given time, these things will settle.

I no longer need to tell myself I am okay. You see, I am. One day has followed the other.
I have not missed a day of work and each of those days has been productive professionally.
My self care has increased. I am asking myself what I want and then doing that.
Tasks that have sat and waited for attention, have been done.
The house around me is ordered, and things I have in storage I am vetting and either recycling or finding homes for. I am being ruthless.
I have begun to search for a new place to reside. There is no rush on this but it is on my list.

I am gratefully for a bed made with elegant cotton sheets freshly laundered and sun dried.
I am grateful for the easy company of my daughters, who are also my friends.
More coming.......

That said, I am grateful for the support you each have given me which so offended Tony.
But here, it doesn;t matter what he thinks, this THIS is about me.

And I have missed my friends.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009


Thinking about living in the moment, about anger and happiness or unhappiness and fear and who I am and what I enjoy, as myself, and not as me part of a we, I have decided to change and rearrange how I think. Noone else is responsible for my peace and happiness, except for me.

Each day I am going to find ONE thing I am grateful for and express this, and I will do this every day for a year. Starting now.

Today I am grateful for the ability to think and feel, even if what I feel is not always positive. I am grateful for the mind and heart which is mine and the fact I have another day before me.

Summer heading northward

It is just before 6am and I am awake curled under the quilting and bedclothing but I actually like being here. The bits o my arms outside the covers and lurking aound my toes I can feel the steady slow approach of winter, I smile and think of Bobby as I send the summer north to him to caretake and enjoy, while the world around me cools and slows.

lose to a year ago Tony an I moved from the central Coast to Sydney as Geni had chosen to live with us and her father had actually telephoned to ask if I would have her. To which he added conditions; I must relocate to Sydney.

Now that wasn;t hard at all.
The rental market was scarce but we had no trouble finding somewhere and we found this place around this time, last year.

I like autumn and spring.
I like the weight of the quilts and being curled with my own accumulated blanket of body heat.
I is also now I most enjoy my showers and love the texture and the flow of the hottest of water.

The last few days

As you can all see I have limited access to my journal as although Tony has left, he is currently emailling me several times daily to "keep communication open" and has searched me out online and complained bitterly about my expressing how I feel here.

My blog and my writing here is a form of examining my own feelings. It helps me find my perspective and offload all the feelings that would drive me nuts when I am in pain and this last little while has not been easy. I do not want or desire to self censor to feed someone else's idea of who he is or who I am or should be. here I am JUST me and unashamed about it.

I could post his emails but it is the same old justification and somehow I am self centred and selfish ( in his mind) and I showed him the door. He is hurt and furious with me. He is taking advice from someone who is also not happy in their relationship and I am being told I can do much worse than Tony. He seems to completely miss the point that I am not seeking a relationship. I am just trying to live my life and a few days ago he was a large part of my life.

He took himself out of it. He is trying to fix this by blaming me. I do not want to play that game. I want to move forward if we can. This is not about control. This is about what is fair and loving and considerate.

Frankly I am a communicator who has lived with him at the centre of my heart and hearth and world for 6 years and for the last 4 of those years I have been desperately lonely. AND waiting, interminable hours. I have taken each of his criticisms and worked with myself and on myself, at least initially, until I realised it was always finger pointing in my direction and somehow I am always at fault. I can't and don't believe it but have been more than fair.

I am at a place in my life where I genuinely like who I m . I do not want to change based on someone else thinking so much of me is wrong. I am who I am and my self esteem is healthy. it hasn;t always been, but it is now. I give mroe than crumbs. Noone has to ask me, I somehow "know" and give it.

I want what I give.

I have organised a counsellor for us to see 23rd of this month. I am writing down exactly what I want and need and what I am willing to give. I am not standing on pride here. I have asked him to come home. I have apologised for losing my temper as I know that accomplishes nothing with him. He does not see what he did to make me so angry and acts amazed I would feel that way.

In a nutshell I am being civil. I am not playing tit for tat, or attributing blame. I am exploring whether we can find a way forward. We can do it IF we both want to and it will be a long hard united slog . But I have not seen any evidence that he is open. I see a lot of you you you... again. But I will go this extra mile.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Saturday, 7 March 2009

Contractions 5 minutes apart

and I am heading to the hospital to sit and wait ( to be one of the very first to meet and greet Abigail.)

New life.
New paths to tread and someone new and fresh and wonderful to love and teach.

Friday, 6 March 2009

The weekend progresses

I was terrified facing the weekend.
No Geni or Leonnie, and empty hours and house.
It is now near Saturday evening and it is not that much different to a normal Saturday, as it has been.

I arose.
I spoke with Mum and Tess.
I walked for an hour and brought back some bleach.
I asked to meet and talk with Tony, and we successfully had a conversation without blaming one or the other.

And he went again.
And I cried until I fell asleep.

But there is more happening than my drama. I want to thank lermie for the stiff scotch he drank on my behalf and Chaz for just the right reminder at just the right time. I want to thank Jenny for the phone call checking up on me and Lori for her daily support and a whole list of other ( YOU know who you are Shannon, Diane, Lou, Tracy, Dianne and Bobby as well as Charmie ) who are holding up the corners of all I am.

I dozed for a few ours and the night now stretches before me.
Tess will ring the hospital at 7pm and if there is a bed available will book in and have a gel pessary, in the hopes of bringing the birth on. If nothing has happened before morning she will have her waters broken, so we look forward to meeting Abigail this weekend.

Life goes on.
So do I.

Humanmetrics Thanks Kate and Shannon

Now - Is this me?
Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
11% 38% 69% 67%

You are:
slightly expressed introvert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
distinctively expressed judging personality
Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.
The Counselor (INFJ) is a more private person than the Teacher. They, too, can be found in the field of education as a professor , teacher, counselor, or educational consultant. Sometimes they feel a strong calling toward the religious life as clergy, nun, or director of religious education. Social service jobs, such as social worker, social scientist, or mediator can fit their needs. Some Counselors work in human services, marketing, or as a job analyst. Others are drawn to the arts as a novelist, designer, or artist. Says Benito, “My art is very personal. It expresses who I am at the same time reaching out to draw the viewer in. My art changes the viewer’s perspective of reality.”
Idealist women tend to be very romantic. They love to give and receive tokens of affection, such as an original poem, a hand carved box, or an item which reminds them of some shared experience. Men often appreciate their compassion and empathy along with their belief in others. When dating, they hope they’ll get to know each other through deep conversation.

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking

The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:

Nathan, prophet of Israel
Robert Burns, Scottish poet

U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

Thursday, 5 March 2009


He has sent his justification.
Words typed out and no doubt believed by him - that I did this.

I pushed.
Him, too far.

He left.
He had enough, he says.
he truly has tried, he says.

He knows he is loved. He has no doubt.
Funny about that.
with me
He is upset because the long alone hours, waiting with no word or no yearning on his part towards me translated in my mind and heart spoke of no love or desire to be WITH me when I lived through it.
How dare I not know he loves me because he stayed.

So does that mean since he left, he no longer loves me ( even by his standards?)

What is love?

maggie mess

A mess.

I am tonight.
It okay.
Geni is at her older sister's place. Dopey's weekend and he isn;t even with them. Gosh!! Golly Darn - I am surprised ( NOT!!)
But me.

The weekend stretches before me and I disappear under the weight of hours.
Memories crowd around me, living ghosts and choke me.

I have found a corner.
I curl.
I do not know how I got through this week and did not drop the ball.
I do not know how I will ever move from this spot.

I am tough and wise on the outside but inside I am soft as a cloud ( but don't tell anyone!!)

Wednesday, 4 March 2009


Grief makes me incoherent and I capture this for those who need it.(how else may I justify pain of this magnitude if someone else cannot benefit?)

I wander to the mall with Geni this evening; she is ditching her dad this weekend as she has every weekend since he remade her bedroom into a family room and on the way back I look up and see a man with a certain body build walking in a characteristic way in our direction as we heft heavy grocery bags home ( one each). My heart stops in my chest. He turns and as I get closer I see it is not he.

I am not okay.
I am a mess.
I cannot eat.
If I try to eat I throw up.
It hurts.
I cannot sleep.
I lurch from competence to lost.
I do not know how to disconnect from this pain that has opened up and swallowed me.
Logic tells me I will survive.
My heart tells me I am already dead.
I have been bleeding to death since he gave up, on us.

In the moment, this moment, every moment

Right now my way or living through this is not to chain myself to the treadmill of going over and over around up and down everything that we said or didn't say and over analysing. My every urge is to curl up into a little ball rolled tight and hard in some corner somewhere and JUST not get up. Maybe, if I did that I would eventually sleep and when I wake everything I had known as normal would be, again, normal for me.

Simply, it isn't normal.
Configuration has changed.
This is not what I want, nor what I expected.

But I believe with all my heart that all things work together for good.
I believe I can survive this although it feels like I will not.

I did not realise the pain of this losing would be a very real physical hurt as well as the quiet blow torching of my heart and soul.(that I expected).

Little unexpected memories rise up and torment me all through each day; his smile, the way he walks as I watch him ( and how he hated my watching him making him all self conscious). I remember sitting watching him absorbed in some knowledge he was drinking in while I drank deep down into my soul like a breath - him. The way he places steepled fingers against his mouth; his slight almost lisp. Things I have taken for granted in my everyday now bring back the thoughts and I find myself, somewhere reduced to unexpected tears.

I can function. because I must.
Others rely on me so I cannot let the ball drop and will not, in fact.
This loss is a tangible thing; I will be walking somewhere intent on where I am going and I lose impetus. I somehow need to find steel within to keep going. A gust of wind will cause me to stagger as it blows past, and I feel I am surrounded by dense fog while everything and everyone disappears into a sepia background. That is quite a feat for peak hour Sydney, I assure you.

One step.

Light seems to come from all directions startling me.
Blinding me.
I have moments when I sit, stunned, watching as life goes on all around me yet here I am stopped in the middle of it all.
In a daze I wander the hallway at home. I start out going somewhere for a reason but after two or three steps I am just wandering and I have lost the original purpose.

I have started walking, again. I walk and pace ( without direction or clear purpose and path) until the pain outside and in my body equals the pain of my heart.

What do I do?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Let go.
How do I get through another day.

This weekend will be somehow worse as the kids are not here.
The days and night yawn emptily before me and I already fear losing myself within them.

But you know, even when he was here and he still came home, for many hours each day and each weekend, I lived literally alone waiting for him.
Waiting for him to come home.
And when he was home, waiting for him to want to be with me.

The yearning, the wanting and the waiting were pillars of my existence.
And in truth I was so tired of waiting, and wanting.

Please do not expect sense in these posts as I know there is none.
I just cannot keep this inside for fear it breaks me.

Monday, 2 March 2009


In processing this latest letting go in a lifetime of practising to let go, I have realised I hate letting go. You see, when I love 9 if i love) it is not with part of me but with all. Even though Tony has taken himself away the love remains and haunts me stealing my sleep and rest and aching in my chest that grows and makes me cringe.

I cannot eat.
I drift into sleep only to wake a few moments later.
I wait for the sound of him struggling with the lock at night.
I look for his car NOT parked in its usual spot as I walk to the train.

I miss his arms reaching to haul me close and hug me anytime I walked past to get something from another room. I miss his quietness and snuffling.

I had a first day of a two day training course today and pasted normal on my face and in a smile I wore. Inside the words built up behind a silent scream that fills me inside, consuming all the emptiness.

I pick up my cell phone and go to text an update, on one of the kids, or mum, or me, and stop and stare at the phone and send nothing. I feel lost.

I feel broken. The exhaustion from holding the shattered pieces together does not even help me sleep.

bedroom Whimsy

Do you have the following in your bedroom?

Condoms: No.

Cell phone:Yes. it is my alarm clock

Book shelf: No.

Couch/Futon: No.

Computer/laptop: Right now, yes but it doesn't usually live here.

Pictures: Yes.

Mirror: one large full length mirror just inside the doorway.

Skateboard: no.

Bed:This is the main feature of the room.

Pillows: yes, 5.

Clothes on the floor: Not at all.

Surfboard: No.

Smoke detector: yes.

Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums: yes i have a guitar.

Locking door: Not at all. In fact I have an open door policy.

Bottle of water: Yes.

Blacklight: No.

Lava Lamp: No, but Geni has one.

medals/ribbons: No.

CDs: No.

Flag? No.

Stop sign/any sign: No.

Paintball gun: No.

Real Gun: No.

Cigarettes: No.

Pot: No.

Any drugs: No.

Alcohol: No.

Books: Piles beside the bed.

ps2:/Xbox:/Gamecube: Theya re in the family room.

Stereo: No.

Gum: No.

How many windows do you have in ur room:1 wall is a huge window.

What is the color of your walls? Light olive green.

Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom? A bit of both.

What's on your walls? Nothing at the moment. Not a thing - wait, I have a small stuffed bear on a heart as well as a zulu message bead pin.

Has the opposite sex been in your room before? Yes.

Has the opposite sex been on your bed? Yes.

Has the opposite sex slept in your bed? Yes.

Ever had sex in your bed? Yes.

Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you? Up until Sunday it has been Tony since we bought the bed. Just he and I.

What is under your bed? Nothing

Do you like your bedroom: I do. It's my oasis.


Empty hours enfold me
fenced with longing, deepest loss
hope suspended all

lost in a moment
words flung as challenge breaking
apart my whole world

anger palpable
rackets through the solid night
sundering hope

Empty room empty
hearth and heart silent words ring
scream inside unvoiced

Sunday, 1 March 2009

made it through today

I feel a little fragile and punchdrunk.
But, I survived today.
I went to work AND functioned.
And that is enough for now.

My soul ( thanks Gina)

Your Soul is Welcoming

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

How I am thinking

I have shared my walk through life; my ups, my downs and my everything with him for 6 years. Facing ahead without him is daunting and hard.

I liked bouncing things off him.
I cannot.
And in truth, lately, he would not let me talk with him. I was too loud. Asking him how his day was got a monosyllabic answer. I do not want to live like that. I was and felt stifled and very unhappy. I felt fettered and controlled and limited, instead of being able to be, me. I would ask him what he meant by an ordinary day and he would act like I was paining him. I was showing genuine interest and he was closing me out. I knew this.

I need to remake my habit of watching the clock and waiting for him. I do not need to wonder where he was or how he is because by his going I have lost that right. You see, he will not be leaving on his work journeying and then heading home to the warmth that was our home. I will miss coming back into the bedroom and kissing him good morning while his arms tried to drag me back into bed and close to him. I miss already his night murmurings and snufflings of not quite words and of my toes reaching across the bed to find him there. And falling back into a safe sleep.

He will replace me fairly fast as he always had a companion along for the ride. When I first met him I used to tease him about his harem. I will become a photo in his hard drive directory that makes his next or the one after that wonder where his head and heart are. He will turn away and lock me out back behind an inpenetrable barrier with what could have been. I have seen him do this with his son.

Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late.

Morning 1

The night is ending.
It is still dark outside but the monday morning commuter traffic is my audible background interspersed with quiet lulls ( the phasing of the lights one suburb north!)

It has been a long night.
My daughters rallied round and gathered together with me to make sure I was afloat and not splintering. The noise level escalated accordingly. They came laden with their idea of comfort food, M&M's ( only orange ones), chocolate on chocolate ice cream, crisps, popcorn, a bbq chicken and fresh bread rolls.
I could not stomach food.
They ate heartily.

Tess was having a few contractions. It may stop and start but there are signs Abigail is not far away from being with us. In fact, I am surprised I was not called in the wee small hours.

But soon.

I am okay.
The kitchen is clean.
I have put away the washing.
I am sipping my first coffee.
I am not thinking too much.