Sunday 1st march - notable

He left.

He has packed his belongings and left. It is not as simple as this but the ending is this simple.
He hugged me.
He said he was sorry for hurting me.
BUT he can't live like this any more.
And he is gone.

I am wandering around the space left, a little lost.
I will survive this as I have already survived much losing.

I WILL be okay.
I WILL myself to get through the rest of today, and face the rest of my days without him.

I will clean.(when I stop bouncing off walls). I will be okay.

But for now I hurt.
a lot.

So, I guess he didn't love me after all.
At least not as I understand love.

I am Chopsticks ( thanks Charmie)

You Are Chopsticks

People see you as exotic, unusual, and even a bit intimidating. You are a difficult person to figure out. In truth, you try to live a very simple life. But most people are too frenzied to recognize the beauty of your simplicity.

What Utensil Are You?

End of the last day of summer

The sun has faded into the west and is heading north of the equator to visit our American and European friends, and we sink wearily into the hours of dark.  I am certain that if we turn out the light, our collective sun burnished skin would glow with accumulated retained heat.

We girls are sitting watching movies.  Geni, Leonnie and Haley are arranged around the house.  Geni is heating chicken pasta and penne bolognaise for Haley and herself, Leonnie is watching episodes of the OC for the hundreth time on the laptop in her bedroom, and Haley is curled on a lounge while I am on the other.

Tony left at 8ish this morning and we have not seen or heard from him since.  But all is well here, at home.  Three loads of washing has been soaked, washed and is now hung and drying.    Geni and Haley will spend an hour working on a  school project and in a little while I will go to sleep.   I have done some work and made myself stop. FOR TODAY.  

What will tomorrow bring.  

Next weekend the girls are at Dopey's place and I am already exploring possibilities of places to go.  What lies in wait for me?

COW

I am a cow currently.

Cranky

Old

Woman.

COW.

Me.

Forgive my whinging and whining (and of you don;t want it to rub off on you cease reading and run away now - NEGATIVITY ALERT!!)

I AM TIRED:

• Of always being responsible for everything that goes wrong in every life  around me ( orperceived that way!)
• Of having my good returned as bad and flung in my face.
• Of waiting. I HATE and loathe waiting.  I wait my way through my work day and come home to WAIT for my family.  Geni comes home ( at least this week) straight after school but usually she rocks in as the sun goes down.
• Geni and I have taken to betting what time Tony rocks in.  9.30 is his average ( and it can be as late as my bedtime)- I nearly die of shock when he arrives before then.  The last four weekends, I have waited for him to come home and we both seem to have different things we need to do. But when I don;t see him at night, and don;t see him on a weekend, I get cranky and a little lost.  I suppose that is what is up with me now. 
• of waiting for him to replace the blown light bulb in our bedroom after three weeks - and it is too high for me to reach safely.

I am tired of waiting for him to want to actually be with me and around me.  He asked (when he finally rocked in at bedtime last night) what was wrong with me. 

So I told him.

And he didn;t like the fact I was annoyed at him.

I am.

I told him I am tired of waiting.

I am not waiting any more.

If I have no expectations, I can't be hurt and disappointed - can I?

To make matter worse I wander into the lounge and Braveheart, and that reinforces the yearning and wondering why's.  

Late summer Friday, the year bleeding away

• Squabbling young magpies doing the young bird equivalent of fisticuffs and filling the morning with squabbling.   
  
• Fat glossy black kurrajongs perched as if stunned watching the sun rise as the traffic hummed and raced in the background
• Heavy air, thick opaque gunmetal skies tinged softest pink while I think "Oh oh.... did I remember my umbrella?"  and rummage in the bag sung over my left shoulder as I walk. pacing myself towards the station and my train to work.
• a Friday empty train speaking volumes of those who either slept in past their normal habitual time or who might be taking an extra long weekend. 

Simple Truths, Big Lessons and survival tricks

Having raised what seems like half of Sydney ( sometimes) one of the first lessons I learned was that the only way to "win" in some circumstances, is simply NOT to play.   So with my son, I choose not to play.  His twists, his choices and here - his lessons.  He is choosing to project his emptinessness and unhappiness onto me, but I am not shouldering that burden.  Instead, I choose to maintain my dignity and draw my line in the sand.

I expect this behaviour from teens and have more patience for them, at that point, however he is not 15.  He is 31.  He is currently NOt employed so I think he has too much time on his hands to "think".  I also work full time and am not always accessible when he wants me to drop everything  ( for no urgent reason) like he wants money or something.  

The first few times one of mine who turned and blamed me for everything that was currently making them miserable or upset, twisted me inside while I journeyed to check to ensure I had not failed them or something I did or said was not at the root of this current crisis.  

I very quickly learned that someone, at any time, will hate me, and judge me harshly and that this is nothing personal BUT a rite of passage from childhood into adolescence.  I have walked this road before.  In truth, this same scenario, hurt and wounded me more.  This time I am a little surprised since I am not especially wounded by this rejection and nastiness.

The choice is mine.  Here I choose to see that Mike has lessons to learn and it is not personal.  he is choosing to behave so hurtfully because he is seeking a specific response for some reason of his own.  Well, this mean old woman does NOT reward bad behaviour.   He threw down this gauntlett.  I have simply told him that behaving like this will not gain him a closer relationship with me.  That I do not choose to allow  people to make choices I see as disloyal.  He will learn in his own time.  I hope it is in my lifetime.

As you all know, my family is the heart and soul of all I am.  There is so much I have right now that will take energy.  I want all my energy ploughed into the positive; like being there for Pandy and AJ, and welcoming Abigail into life any day now.

Walking close to the edge of life and death as we did with Mum for most of last year, and in the light of the numbers who unexpectedly found their lifetime was up in the tragic bushfires, I think someone's ego rates pretty low on my radar.  

Big deep breath.

Betrayal and loyalty

My son consorts socially with my ex ( Geni and Leonnie's Daddy).  Which I am uncomfortable about.   My son, Mike, is almost 31, and if anything takes Dopey's side when it comes to Geni and Leonnie and about a week ago he started agitating for contact with me again.  He spins away and comes close again (usually when he wants something - like money, or to gain some information Dopey wants to confirm).   

He was invited to Christmas and did not come.  To the Boxing Day BBQ at my cousins, where he said he would come but didn't.  To Geni and Tony's birthday bash at FuLin, which he claims he was never invited to. ...

Last week he left rude and abusive and offensive messages on facebook, which I deleted and then Leonnie told me Mike was "there" at her dad's for one of his three annual boozeup/cricket matches and I could hear him hurling insults for her to catch and fling at me.   I quietly suggested to Leonnie that was excessively harsh.   And she ended the telephone call quickly.  

I wanted to send him a text message just telling Mike that I feel his choices are disloyalty and that if he is seeking to be closer to me, then he would not curry favour with my ex.    I asked Tony who suggested nothing would be accomplished by doing that, as Mike is taunting me looking for a reason to have a go or explode.  I am not one to hide what I feel. Or think.

It did not matter, anyways.  yesterday morning I received this text while waiting for Court with his sister.

"go and get F@#*ed you dropkick of a woman.  You are a sorry case for a mum, not to mention highly personally irrational and irresponsible.  Who said to you that I wanted to be close to you, especially if it comes with all these conditions.  As to bad-mouthing you, from now on I will do that any chance i can get. Your loving son. "

There must have been volumes of alcohol consumed and it looks like he and my ex had some fun cooking this up to wound and hurt me.   You know what - at one time a text like this would have gutted me.

This didn't. 

Mike has started living with a woman who had three small children whom he met for the first time the night before Tess, Erik and Lizzie moved into their new place.  Mike was to have helped with the move and never showed up.   In a matter of weeks he has a "girlfriend".   Since completing University, unlike Amy who finished at the same time and HAS a full time job, Mike has not secured work.

I consider what he is doing in befriending my ex as disloyalty and my ex and I most certainly are anything but friends.   he is not a teenager any more but a grown man of 31.  It is time he started to make his own way and to stop expecting a free ride because he believes he is owed.  I will distance myself a little and he can earn the closeness by his behaviour and attitude. 

Am I wrong in this?  Should I just accept ANY treatment and disrespect as he is my son?

Light and dark

Between my two blogs I think I am finding the delicate balance between the light and dark that is me.  This seems to hold my darkness and my weak moments and my down.  The other seems to hold how I protray myself to the world and how I aspire to be ( and largely suceed in being!).

But I am beginning to see how clearly that both voices are one voice, just from a different perspective and with the light reflected differently through the jewel I am.  It is the same light.

In the moments betwixt and between

Geni is rushing around frantically cleaning and tidying her bedroom before we take her to soccer grading ( with shopping for groceries on the side on the way home. )  Tony ( who arrived home from a marathon gaming bum-numbing with his  son Nick and stepson Blake at 3.30am ish) has not long been up and is watching some Sunday afternoon program on leonardo da vinci and uncovering a lost masterpiece... and I thought to pop on here and wave hello to you all. 

Yesterday was a glorious relaxation success, although the bed was curiously empty when I curled around Tony's pillows.  Geni arrived back from her dad early this morning, changed and went out to meet her friends before coming home to clean and ready herself for soccer grading.  

Yesterday was punctured, also by storms.

gratitude...

Journalspace may be gone, but the souls that made it such a wonderful place still exist and gravitate towards each other.  Each and every one of you , leaving a word of understanding, acceptance and encouragement lift me up and fill me with fresh air.

Those few words make the world a lighter place.

Thank you

Crankypants me...

I am cranky, and i have been for a few days.

Little things have niggled and the battle I find with my positive self is tiring me, emotionally.

So, here I am as cranky as the thunder that cracks and howls filling the sky, behind me.