Friday 27 February 2009

COW

I am a cow currently.
Cranky
Old
Woman.

COW.
Me.

Forgive my whinging and whining (and of you don;t want it to rub off on you cease reading and run away now - NEGATIVITY ALERT!!)

I AM TIRED:
  • Of always being responsible for everything that goes wrong in every life  around me ( orperceived that way!)
  • Of having my good returned as bad and flung in my face.
  • Of waiting. I HATE and loathe waiting.  I wait my way through my work day and come home to WAIT for my family.  Geni comes home ( at least this week) straight after school but usually she rocks in as the sun goes down.
  • Geni and I have taken to betting what time Tony rocks in.  9.30 is his average ( and it can be as late as my bedtime)- I nearly die of shock when he arrives before then.  The last four weekends, I have waited for him to come home and we both seem to have different things we need to do. But when I don;t see him at night, and don;t see him on a weekend, I get cranky and a little lost.  I suppose that is what is up with me now. 
  • of waiting for him to replace the blown light bulb in our bedroom after three weeks - and it is too high for me to reach safely.
I am tired of waiting for him to want to actually be with me and around me.  He asked (when he finally rocked in at bedtime last night) what was wrong with me. 

So I told him.

And he didn;t like the fact I was annoyed at him.
I am.
I told him I am tired of waiting.
I am not waiting any more.

If I have no expectations, I can't be hurt and disappointed - can I?

To make matter worse I wander into the lounge and Braveheart, and that reinforces the yearning and wondering why's.  
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5 comments:

  1. Reticent Meanderings27 February 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Sorry Maggs. What about toting a ladder into the bedroom to change the lightbulb? Is that an option? That is what I would do. Sounds like you two need to have a chat. In the mean time, I suggest you do something completely selfish just for you. Now, get to it! No waiting! :)

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  2. Xanadu27 February 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Ditto what Charm said. Spend sometime pampering YOU. Forget about all the silly things we have to wait for, and enjoy the NOW. It might give you a whole new outlook. Hope things look better tomorrow. HUGS!

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  3. bard27 February 2009 at 5:43 pm

    You have no idea how much I can relate to what you are feeling.

    I don't have any specific advice for you, but I do have some general advice: You need to start putting your needs first, and getting rid of things that are non-constructive for your well-being.

    I know it is completely against your nature to put yourself first, but I also know that you are showing signs of breaking. And if you break, you won't be able to take care of yourself - much less anybody else.

    I am presently operating under a "no bullshit" policy. If something (or somebody) is detracting from my mental or physical health and not offering something equally positive to offset the damage, I eliminate it. I’ve alienated friends and family members alike, but I just don’t see any other option right now.

    Yes, I realize that some things cannot be completely eliminated, but you'd be surprised how many things can. And even the things that can't be completely eliminated can be significantly reduced in importance, or in the energy that needs to be devoted to them.

    I'm not doing this because I'm selfish, or because I'm trying to hurt the people around me. I'm doing it because I'll break if I don't. It's that simple. And since I'm on my own with this thing and it has come to the breaking point, drastic measures are needed.

    I’m not putting myself ahead; I’m righting a balance that has been too far against “me” for too long.

    I wish you the best.

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  4. Dorrie27 February 2009 at 8:58 pm

    I really like Bard's answer.

    I have been waiting all my life on other people. I'm always early so no one has to wait for me... but then I wait. And yet for some things I have little patience. That bulb? If I couldn't do it myself, I would have found some way to get it done, including asking someone else for help.

    I have learned that there is no one you can depend on more then yourself!

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  5. becomingkate28 February 2009 at 9:22 am

    I despise waiting too. I would get a ladder into that room (get one of the kids to help)
    About Tony - I know that having time to yourself is important, but I am totally co-dependent. If Bill didn't get home until late every night, I'd be SO disappointed and we'd end up in therapy or divorce court.
    I hope he agrees to change.
    *hugs*

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