Bittersweet teens - Black humour alert!!!

I know I tend to look at emphasise the positive, but the simple truth is that like everyone else I have my ups and my everyday downs.  Surviving teenagers is a very delicate balancing act, so I want to share some of the grit and the glory - so to speak.  There are times I can almost believe that teenage daughters are God's punishment for having sex in the first place.  I can say this because I have five daughters ( some thankfully now out of their teens and on their way to raising teenagers of their own!!) two of whom are currently going through this hormonal right of passage and as different as chalk and cheese.

There are four things you will NEVR hear your teenage daughter say:

1.          "I don't need money.  I am going to get a part time job and be self sufficient!"  With our Prime Minister's stimulus package and the promise of $900 per person last evening on the walk from the bus to the door Geni asked (a)if I had received mine and what was she getting from that!!!  She also asked (b) at what age the Family payment should come directly to her and she informed me she still wants pocket money as it is not enough.  I pointed out (a) I had not yet received that money and that I would buy a replacement fridge when it comes in and maybe some furniture for the rumpus area and (b) that her father still claimed her and received this money so I had no idea how much it was.  

2.          "Can I get you a cup of tea after I have unpacked the dishwasher and put everything away?"  I have been informed that irregardless of our agreements, IF I want her assistance then I must ask for it. So I have been told  Geni gets $25 a week.  From me.  The deal is that she does two loads of washing and cleans her room once a week.  Sneaky mum has also suggested that her room is cleaned, organised and vacuumed before she asks if she can have friends stay - because the answer will be no if she doesn;t.  She has completely skipped part A but always manages to clean at least once a week because with teenage girls bribery never fails ( remember that as a fallback - find something they want and attach something YOU want from her as a condition.) 

3.          "Drugs and sex are overrated.  I am going to plough my energy into learning Mandarin and algebra!"  Yeah.  Right!!

4.          "I don't ever want to go out with him again!  An incredible physique, a Harley Davidson and a recording contract are so overrated!"

What you will hear, though - 

"If you talk to my boyfriend again,I will kill you."

"Please don;t talk about that with me here.  I will tell you when I want to talk."

" What was the emergency with Chloe/Lucy/interchange name here that I was talking on the phone at 2am?  My friend needed my support.  It is just stuff."  (In fact everything becomes Just Stuff and she stops talking with you. )

"I am just having a few friends over" which translates as an open invitation to anyone in the country under 25.

"I just hate you!! I wish you would die!!" I should have typed this in caps as that is how this is flung down - usually when you have denied her something or money she has her heart set on, or permission to do something you know is not right or good for her.

Having consulted other mothers, it is clear that once a daughter starts into the teens she is taken hostage by hormones.  Having always preferred the natural look she will suddenly begin guarding her mascara and eyeliner more closely than a Columbian drug lord.  Her once pristine bedroom will become so unkempt that visitors wipe their feet before leaving, and her outfit chopice will make her look like she lives on the streets.    She will start dating a succession of boys who smell like dead rodents and have entire ecosystems under each fingernail.  You will try to placate your husband/partner by explaining that whenever the daughter is down in the sumps she will get herself a new boyfriend.  To which he will reply: "So THAT'S where she finds them!!"

So why do our teenage daughters all seem to have a "I find my mother contemptible" clause in their contracts?   Have we been too lenient?  Too keen not to replicate tyhe authoritarianism of our parents, perhaps we have been too lax in our discipline??

It seems to me that teenagers crave boundaries.  Daughters don;t want their mothers out on the "pull" ( like Fergie ( former Duchess of York) boasts of doing with her two daughters.  They don;lt even want THAT sex talk.  Not from their mums, at least.  In my house, any mention of the word "period" in a context other an Hellenic or Jurassic is met with derision.

Before I started looking for a loophole in their birth certificate I firstly examined myself. Have I been a good role model?  Think about it - it is our generation which has produced the corporate cowboys and  the reckless leaders responsible for the current credit crunch.    And lets not mention the way we have allowd big business to vandalise the environment.   Perhaps we need to vote in more inspirational leaders at the helm of the world as they see it to set better examples.  

Either way, I suspect mothering teenage girls will always make you feel you are testing the depth of the water with  both feet.   Yet it does get better.    Like rock hard butter, daughters do eventually melt into spreading consistency!!

Just today  Geni crushed me in a  bear hug and said she was sorry for being so grumpy the other day ( although she was raiding my change purse at the same time!!)  "When I was younger I just couldn;t believe how silly you were!! But now I am older ( she is all of 14) it is incredible how much you have learned in a year!!

Motherhood is like a beanbag - easy to get into and hard to get out of!!  It does have its cosy moments!!  Not that I am kidding myself - I suspect the first 40 years are the hardest!!

Meanwhile I will try to cut Geni some slack and keep my sense of humour intact ( black though it is!!)  Netx time she screams "I hate you! I wis you would die!!"  I will just smile sweetly take a swig of good red wine and reply: "I m doing my best , darling!!"