Forgiveness

I have learned I am able to forgive but I tend not to forget. The lessons in life like forgiveness I gather to me through all of life's experience and are linked with values and emotions, and woven through with passion. Sometimes I have a struggle with forgiveness when someone has hurt me, deeply. I struggle with the part of me that clings to the hurt and goes over and over it again and again in my mind, not allowing myself time and distance to let things settle.

But what is forgiveness? I see forgiveness as letting go of the need for revenge and releasing any negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. As a parent, I have found I have many wonderful opportunities to model how to forgive and how to live forgiveness for my children. If they observe how I reconcile with friends or family who have wronged me, perhaps they will then learn not to harbor resentment over the ways in which I may disappoint them. I see forgiveness as a valuable skill to practice, but as with all things worth something, there is always a cost of some sort.

In the movie “Avalon,” the uncle stopped talking to his family members for the rest of his life because they started Thanksgiving dinner without him after he was excessively late for the zillionth time. What a waste of energy it is to stay angry for decades. Yet even in my own family, my sister has hugged anger and jealousy and bitterness all brewed up in her own mind, until it solidified into a wall that leaks poison whenever she gets close. Even my mother after many years has finally realised that what words leak poison may have no basis in fact - rather they reflect what my sister thinks and feels and the reality is very different. But this is her choice. All we can do is protect each other.

Forgiveness as many of you have said is a gift that we give to ourselves.

How do I build up to forgiving?
1. I acknowledge my own inner pain. It is important in caring for myself that I value my own emotions, and validate how I truly feel. I take the time not to self medicate my pain, or run away from it, or ignore it; rather I launch myself headlong INTO it and through it allowing it to wash and break over me and so help rather than hinder my emotional healing.
2. I try to express my emotions in non-hurtful ways without yelling or attacking. Now this I sometimes find hard, simply because I am human. It takes conscious effort not to hurt back when someone snipes and cuts at who you really are. But it can be done. Often it is a good tactic to agree with the person who is attacking; this throws them as it is the last thing they expect. It buys you time to calm down and find something unexpected to say or do. it helps you break through the shock and take back your own power.
3. I protect myself from further hurt. I either remove myself from the situation of find another focus. If I cannot physically get away I will take myself away in my mind and heart and find refuge elsewhere. This gives all the raw hurt and emotions time to settle. it helps me find balance.
4.I am kind to myself and up my self care. I treat myself with the same consideration I expend on others. This is difficult for me and takes real effort as for the majority of my life a series of others have always come before me. In my actions, in my deeds and in my thoughts.
5. I try to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven; replace anger with compassion. I have found in doing this that I often get yelled at. I mean - how DARE I try and speak for them. Often someone in a state all wound up cannot see that when I paraphrase back and give what MAY be the reason they think or feel like that, I am not saying I can read their mind rather I am looking for confirmation and seeking to better understand. No matter how well I know someone, I am all too aware there are so many areas I simply have no idea. I have most of a life time of practicing to put myself inside another person's mind and "walk in their shoes for a mile" to help me accept and understand the whys of how and the whats that people choose to do.
6. I accept that even if what other people choose is wrong in my mind, it is their right to choose for whatever reason of their on. Often I cannot see which lesson they are learning, but it may be that this hurt is a milestone on a journey in someone else's life that could make all the difference. Anything worth having costs something.
7. I accept that I may never fully know or understand. I do believe that all things DO work together for good. Eventually. I accept I even do not always have to see. Sometimes it is my place to plant a seed that may lie qquiet for many years un til the conditions are right for the lesson to be learned.
8. I forgive yourself for my role in the relationship and for allowing myself to be put in a position where there has been hurt or harm done to me.
9. I then decide whether to remain in the relationship.
10. I perform the overt act of forgiveness verbally or in writing. If the person is dead or unreachable, you can still write down your feelings in letter form. There are some people I have struggled with forgiving for years. But in order to move on truly and not stunt my own emotional growth, I have to forgive and let go. Forgiveness has been one of my biggest lessons. Along with Not everyone is like me - or thinks or feels or chooses to act like me.

What Forgiveness Is Not…
Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It did happen, and we need to retain the lesson learned without holding onto the pain.
Forgiveness is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.
Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or in the future.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.
Forgiving and letting go can be very difficult challenges, but it’s even more stressful to hold on to grudges. There are several symbolic letting-go rituals that can help with the process. If you are having trouble forgiving someone else, write them a letter expressing all of your feelings and explaining why you need to let go. You don’t need to mail that letter — it is cathartic just to write it all down. You can also write down all of your excess “baggage” on a piece of paper and burn it or cast it into the sea in a bottle when you are ready to really let go.

I know looking at all this and setting it down has helped me.

I hope there is something here for you too.