Wednesday 4 March 2009

In the moment, this moment, every moment

Right now my way or living through this is not to chain myself to the treadmill of going over and over around up and down everything that we said or didn't say and over analysing. My every urge is to curl up into a little ball rolled tight and hard in some corner somewhere and JUST not get up. Maybe, if I did that I would eventually sleep and when I wake everything I had known as normal would be, again, normal for me.

Simply, it isn't normal.
Configuration has changed.
This is not what I want, nor what I expected.

But I believe with all my heart that all things work together for good.
I believe I can survive this although it feels like I will not.

I did not realise the pain of this losing would be a very real physical hurt as well as the quiet blow torching of my heart and soul.(that I expected).

Little unexpected memories rise up and torment me all through each day; his smile, the way he walks as I watch him ( and how he hated my watching him making him all self conscious). I remember sitting watching him absorbed in some knowledge he was drinking in while I drank deep down into my soul like a breath - him. The way he places steepled fingers against his mouth; his slight almost lisp. Things I have taken for granted in my everyday now bring back the thoughts and I find myself, somewhere reduced to unexpected tears.

I can function. because I must.
Others rely on me so I cannot let the ball drop and will not, in fact.
This loss is a tangible thing; I will be walking somewhere intent on where I am going and I lose impetus. I somehow need to find steel within to keep going. A gust of wind will cause me to stagger as it blows past, and I feel I am surrounded by dense fog while everything and everyone disappears into a sepia background. That is quite a feat for peak hour Sydney, I assure you.

One step.
Two.

Light seems to come from all directions startling me.
Blinding me.
I have moments when I sit, stunned, watching as life goes on all around me yet here I am stopped in the middle of it all.
In a daze I wander the hallway at home. I start out going somewhere for a reason but after two or three steps I am just wandering and I have lost the original purpose.

I have started walking, again. I walk and pace ( without direction or clear purpose and path) until the pain outside and in my body equals the pain of my heart.

What do I do?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Let go.
How do I get through another day.

This weekend will be somehow worse as the kids are not here.
The days and night yawn emptily before me and I already fear losing myself within them.

But you know, even when he was here and he still came home, for many hours each day and each weekend, I lived literally alone waiting for him.
Waiting for him to come home.
And when he was home, waiting for him to want to be with me.

The yearning, the wanting and the waiting were pillars of my existence.
And in truth I was so tired of waiting, and wanting.

Please do not expect sense in these posts as I know there is none.
I just cannot keep this inside for fear it breaks me.

10 comments:

  1. Don't keep it inside my dear friend. Purge yourself of the pain and emotions that you are feeling- it doesn't have to make sense to anyone, including yourself- but having this outlet, a place that you can release the pain can only help.

    As difficult as this journey is right now, I do believe that the long term will be something much more positive.

    I love you *hugs*

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  2. Ditto what Wizardress aid. Regardless if it makes sense to anyone (including you) this is good therapy, to get your feelings out. You sound very grounded, though, in your affirmations here and in previous posts that you will get through this and be OK. Of course these feelings are going to hit you when you least expect. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, but you are not burying away the emotions you're feeling. It's good to experience this, to help with the 'cleansing process', to acknowledge your emotions. This longwinded comment makes less sense than you think your entry did. lol. Sorry. HUGS!

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  3. exactly.... let it out, vent away--we're listening --major hugs!

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  4. Awww Maggs....

    And to think you signed up as the Manager for a soccer team on top of this mess.

    Whadda ya gonna do? I KNOW it hurts.

    So, do something different!!! Something you haven't done before. Go to a museum or a park; just do something different and do it without expectation!!!!!

    You will be surprised.

    Get out of the box and you will find comfort in the unique and different things you may have missed while in this relationship.

    You may never fully know why you broke up. Does it matter now? Not really. All you will do is punish yourself.

    I say stop it!!!!

    The world will give you all the punishment you can stand. Don't punish yourself.

    So, do something different and report back to us. I can't live with you being a mess. No way.

    I know you are heartbroken. You have to get up.

    After all we can't have our hero down on the canvas.

    I wish I could fix it. Just know in your heart that we are SCREAMING at the top of our lungs for you to get up and get moving with one foot in front of the other.

    Pretty soon you will be right as rain and when the time comes you will not only feel better but you will be fulfilled in a way that will shed more light on this event than you realize.

    In short Maggs, we love you very much.

    You are not alone. GET UP!!!!!

    Love,
    Bobby

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  5. It does make sense. Yours is the voice of pain, even anguish, in loss. As trite as it sounds, it is all normal under the circumstances. It is good that you are letting it out.

    Maybe it would be a good weekend to schedule in some time with close girlfriends, or a best friend, people you feel safe sharing with, who would be willing to listen or to just quietly be with you. Maybe even have a "big girl" sleepover.

    When you talk about how you recognize, retrospectively, that you were alone even when he was there, it says something about his commitment to the relationship. Sometimes in the midst of pain and turmoil, it can be hard to see that something good can come from it. There may well be a point where you are grateful to him, not now, but down the road, where in fact, you wish he had revealed his hand sooner.

    Keep taking things a moment at a time and have faith in your ability to survive this. Believe in the possibilities that lie ahead for you. There are times when it doesn't feel like things will ever get better when you are hurting, but good times will come again. There will be a light in the darkness that grows brighter and sees you through and out of this dark, painful time.

    Believe in yourself. Allow yourself time for tears and grief. Surround yourself with people who love you and will support you as you work on healing your broken heart. Have faith in the fact that you will make it through this, and you will come out on the other side this with insights that will make you stronger and more confident, and that will bring good things to you that you cannot now imagine.

    I've been praying for you.

    *BIG HUGS*

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  6. ditto what the others said, especially the fact that you are not alone!

    You haven't mentioned how your family is reacting... I hope there is sympathy and caring (if not, I'll fly over and kick their you-know-whats!).

    Gosh I wish flights weren't so expensive *snif*

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  7. Off the subject here, but I'm getting a little concerned since your gift from me hasn't arrived yet. I did send it...really! I hope it didn't get damaged/lost in the mail, or anything like that. Hugs.

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  8. I am sure it will turn up. Give it a week. More.

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  9. "I start out going somewhere for a reason but after two or three steps I am just wandering and I have lost the original purpose."

    ((Maggie))

    The emotional fog you described is what the widows call 'widderbrain'. I think that for me, the best defense against it was a daytimer and sticky notes.
    I'm so sorry it hurts so much! Eventually an hour will become an afternoon, then a day, and so on. It's a new normal and takes time.
    Remember to eat, and drink lots of water.
    Treating yourself to a book you've really been wanting, or a diary, really helps some people.
    I hope you got some sleep. *hugs*

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  10. Oh Kate. It is the death of hopes for me; of a treasured dream as well as the loss of my friend. Ghosts are everywhere. I know you have them too. I have seen that. I have read them as they pop up. Messy, I am. Eating is a trial. I cannot seem to manage. Everything i an effort and takes steel I am not sure is me, anymore.

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