I have shared my walk through life; my ups, my downs and my everything with him for 6 years. Facing ahead without him is daunting and hard.
I liked bouncing things off him.
I cannot.
And in truth, lately, he would not let me talk with him. I was too loud. Asking him how his day was got a monosyllabic answer. I do not want to live like that. I was and felt stifled and very unhappy. I felt fettered and controlled and limited, instead of being able to be, me. I would ask him what he meant by an ordinary day and he would act like I was paining him. I was showing genuine interest and he was closing me out. I knew this.
I need to remake my habit of watching the clock and waiting for him. I do not need to wonder where he was or how he is because by his going I have lost that right. You see, he will not be leaving on his work journeying and then heading home to the warmth that was our home. I will miss coming back into the bedroom and kissing him good morning while his arms tried to drag me back into bed and close to him. I miss already his night murmurings and snufflings of not quite words and of my toes reaching across the bed to find him there. And falling back into a safe sleep.
He will replace me fairly fast as he always had a companion along for the ride. When I first met him I used to tease him about his harem. I will become a photo in his hard drive directory that makes his next or the one after that wonder where his head and heart are. He will turn away and lock me out back behind an inpenetrable barrier with what could have been. I have seen him do this with his son.
Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late.
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You are obviously looking at this situation with a clear head. Kudos! You are worthy of so much more than the way he treated (or didn't treat) you. I know this is a difficult time for you, but keep putting the words down here, and we'll all give you cyber support. :-) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you. One day at a time. Maybe this experience and the living of it will help someone else that cannot think it through this way or see it this clearly?
ReplyDelete".....because by his going I have lost that right." No, not YOU... HE has lost that right. If you still care and love him, then you still have all the right to worry about and miss him.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could help....
There are so many things in my heart- I wish I was better with words so I could share them with you. One day at a time, or a moment at a time...Whatever you need to get through. Whatever you do, please, be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteLove you greatly~` Gina
I can imagine how hard it is getting used to a new routine and the sudden emptiness. At the same time, I know I cannot fully appreciate what you are going through. I know it hurts though. :(
ReplyDeleteRE. "Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late."
I think this is a very important thing to remember when the time comes that you two see each other again. It is good to keep in mind in the event that someone else comes into your life too. Keep your standards high; you deserve nothing but the best.
*hugs*
Yes, one day at a time. I missed this yesterday. Oh Maggs... **hugs** You really do deserve to be happy. I hope you find that my friend. I feel for you.. You really do deserve more than crumbs. I understand that feeling all too well. I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in. You are much braver than I.. Love and blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteL, I must do this. I may love him but I also love myself. I am managing. *big sigh.**
ReplyDeleteI don't know all the details but I think everyone deserves the very best as long as they are putting out their very best. You strike me as that type of person that DOES try to be their best.
ReplyDeleteGetting used to the change is always hard. I always figure if I can get through two weeks without a person then the NEW routine starts getting ingrained. At that point I can think more clearly about where this person fit into my life and where I wanted them to fit (and if the two were different).
I hope good things for you!
Thank you Chiaro. I am a little shattered because you see, I would not have let go or given up. Love, as I know it, wouldn't. But this is his choice. he voted with his feet. And yes I try my hardest and try to be my best and give my best.
ReplyDeleteThere is a small part of me relieved and that hurts me as well/ It keeps reminding me.
The choice was his IS his to make. It always has been.