How I am thinking

I have shared my walk through life; my ups, my downs and my everything with him for 6 years. Facing ahead without him is daunting and hard.

I liked bouncing things off him.
I cannot.
And in truth, lately, he would not let me talk with him. I was too loud. Asking him how his day was got a monosyllabic answer. I do not want to live like that. I was and felt stifled and very unhappy. I felt fettered and controlled and limited, instead of being able to be, me. I would ask him what he meant by an ordinary day and he would act like I was paining him. I was showing genuine interest and he was closing me out. I knew this.

I need to remake my habit of watching the clock and waiting for him. I do not need to wonder where he was or how he is because by his going I have lost that right. You see, he will not be leaving on his work journeying and then heading home to the warmth that was our home. I will miss coming back into the bedroom and kissing him good morning while his arms tried to drag me back into bed and close to him. I miss already his night murmurings and snufflings of not quite words and of my toes reaching across the bed to find him there. And falling back into a safe sleep.

He will replace me fairly fast as he always had a companion along for the ride. When I first met him I used to tease him about his harem. I will become a photo in his hard drive directory that makes his next or the one after that wonder where his head and heart are. He will turn away and lock me out back behind an inpenetrable barrier with what could have been. I have seen him do this with his son.

Nothing is hopeless but for "us" to recover he would need to pursue and woo me and convince me in actions and words he loves me as I want and need to be loved and not the trickle of crumbs he has let me feed on of late.