Grief makes me incoherent and I capture this for those who need it.(how else may I justify pain of this magnitude if someone else cannot benefit?)
I wander to the mall with Geni this evening; she is ditching her dad this weekend as she has every weekend since he remade her bedroom into a family room and on the way back I look up and see a man with a certain body build walking in a characteristic way in our direction as we heft heavy grocery bags home ( one each). My heart stops in my chest. He turns and as I get closer I see it is not he.
I am not okay.
I am a mess.
I cannot eat.
If I try to eat I throw up.
It hurts.
I cannot sleep.
I lurch from competence to lost.
I do not know how to disconnect from this pain that has opened up and swallowed me.
Logic tells me I will survive.
My heart tells me I am already dead.
I have been bleeding to death since he gave up, on us.
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My heart aches for you as I read this.
ReplyDeleteYou will survive. Keep looking forward.
*hugs*
I am sending all my love your way. This hurts me just to READ it, muchless go through it firsthand. I hope your family is being supportive during this difficult time. Like Justfly said, "Keep looking forward". Easy to dish out advice when we're not going through this ourselves, but I hope you take it to heart. We care about you. Keep writing here, and releasing your emotions. Please take care of your physical health, too, Sweetie. Giant hugs to you.
ReplyDeletePainful.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers.
You will have to stare this one down eventually when you are ready.
Love,
Bobby
An hour at a time Maggie. For what it's worth, there are two staples for widows when they're sick with grief - peanut butter and eggs. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the protein. I ate a lot of scrambled eggs or PB granola bars.
ReplyDeleteHave you been to your doc yet? I'm not saying you should get drugs, but I liked to have some zopiclone and ativan handy in case I needed it.
*hugs*
My thoughts and prayers are with you- and you know I'm here. I wish I could come give you a hug, or offer something that could make this easier.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
One step at a time. One moment at a time. Sip broth, and give yourself permission to grieve.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my heart thoughts and prayers-
Love and {{hugs}}~ Gina
Geni's dad - jerk.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the way you write is REALLY confusing to understand - crazy Aussies.
How long has it been Maggs? How are things feeling in terms of creating a new "schedule"? Please hang in there. I wish I could be closer.
Yep..Dopey is a jerk. Geni knows she is loved and wanted here. For me it is almost a whole week. He walked out Sunday morning. I have made it thus far. But I admit I am a bit of a mess tonight. Maggs
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