The last few days

As you can all see I have limited access to my journal as although Tony has left, he is currently emailling me several times daily to "keep communication open" and has searched me out online and complained bitterly about my expressing how I feel here.

My blog and my writing here is a form of examining my own feelings. It helps me find my perspective and offload all the feelings that would drive me nuts when I am in pain and this last little while has not been easy. I do not want or desire to self censor to feed someone else's idea of who he is or who I am or should be. here I am JUST me and unashamed about it.

I could post his emails but it is the same old justification and somehow I am self centred and selfish ( in his mind) and I showed him the door. He is hurt and furious with me. He is taking advice from someone who is also not happy in their relationship and I am being told I can do much worse than Tony. He seems to completely miss the point that I am not seeking a relationship. I am just trying to live my life and a few days ago he was a large part of my life.

He took himself out of it. He is trying to fix this by blaming me. I do not want to play that game. I want to move forward if we can. This is not about control. This is about what is fair and loving and considerate.

Frankly I am a communicator who has lived with him at the centre of my heart and hearth and world for 6 years and for the last 4 of those years I have been desperately lonely. AND waiting, interminable hours. I have taken each of his criticisms and worked with myself and on myself, at least initially, until I realised it was always finger pointing in my direction and somehow I am always at fault. I can't and don't believe it but have been more than fair.

I am at a place in my life where I genuinely like who I m . I do not want to change based on someone else thinking so much of me is wrong. I am who I am and my self esteem is healthy. it hasn;t always been, but it is now. I give mroe than crumbs. Noone has to ask me, I somehow "know" and give it.

I want what I give.

I have organised a counsellor for us to see 23rd of this month. I am writing down exactly what I want and need and what I am willing to give. I am not standing on pride here. I have asked him to come home. I have apologised for losing my temper as I know that accomplishes nothing with him. He does not see what he did to make me so angry and acts amazed I would feel that way.

In a nutshell I am being civil. I am not playing tit for tat, or attributing blame. I am exploring whether we can find a way forward. We can do it IF we both want to and it will be a long hard united slog . But I have not seen any evidence that he is open. I see a lot of you you you... again. But I will go this extra mile.