In processing this latest letting go in a lifetime of practising to let go, I have realised I hate letting go. You see, when I love 9 if i love) it is not with part of me but with all. Even though Tony has taken himself away the love remains and haunts me stealing my sleep and rest and aching in my chest that grows and makes me cringe.
I cannot eat.
I drift into sleep only to wake a few moments later.
I wait for the sound of him struggling with the lock at night.
I look for his car NOT parked in its usual spot as I walk to the train.
I miss his arms reaching to haul me close and hug me anytime I walked past to get something from another room. I miss his quietness and snuffling.
I had a first day of a two day training course today and pasted normal on my face and in a smile I wore. Inside the words built up behind a silent scream that fills me inside, consuming all the emptiness.
I pick up my cell phone and go to text an update, on one of the kids, or mum, or me, and stop and stare at the phone and send nothing. I feel lost.
I feel broken. The exhaustion from holding the shattered pieces together does not even help me sleep.
Weekend
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Went up to the bay for the weekend - the oil slick hadn't hit Tin Can yet.
That is the view from the deck of Mum's beach house - naturally, whenever I
take...
1 year ago
Oh, Sweetie, this has got to be SO hard to deal with. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the worst pain in the world. There's not advice I can give you to make it less painful, but just put your thoughts down here, and know that we care about you and love you. You can't turn off all the time you had together like a lightswitch. I am sending you big hugs. (((MAGGIE)))
ReplyDeleteI can literally feel your grief, and am aching along with you. Do whatever will feed your soul right now, and be very gentle with you. I am keeping you wrapped tightly in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete{{{{{Hugs}}}}} and much love- Gina
This is difficult for me to read. I feel your pain as well...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Bobby
Trying to find words to ease your pain... I'm afraid I have none {hugs}
ReplyDeleteMaggie...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read about what you have been going through the last few days. You have my sympathy, my concern, and my support.
It has been a long time since I've known the feelings that you are going through "first-hand", but I recall enough of them to remember how difficult it must be for you right now. Please hang in there, and keep looking for the positive in your life. You always seem to have such a good perspective on things, and I hope that you will be able to find some comfort soon.
And if I can do anything to help, please don't hesitate to ask.
Thank you all for bearing me talk out my grief, wrapping the hard and heavy feelings in words to try and take some of the terrible ache away. I will be okay. I am sure. This is just part of a series of waves that is washing over me. Everything happens for a reason, and works for eventual good. I am hanging heavy and hard to that. I will be okay. I will.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're writing it all out. It's a very tough transition! Sending lots of love your way. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteWriting helps.Me. Maggs
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kate- I'm so glad that you have this space to share your thoughts and emotions- to be able to get them out without them living inside and eating away at you from the inside out.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone my friend. Sending love your way *hugs*
gawsh Maggs... warmest long hugs and strength. Keep writing... love ya
ReplyDeleteWords are stoppering a bit. Right now. It means more than I can say that you lot buoy me up.
ReplyDelete