Life has put me in a situation where I must think long and hard and deeply, about what I want. And where and how I go on from here. Every loss is an opportunity. The tearing and rending a way to clear whatever exists on the surface leaving the foundations and the earth below and what it is hard to see at that time, is the possibility and opportunity that this sort of disturbance can also bring.
For a while I felt it important to gather my grief and my thoughts, and clutch all my feelings to myself.
I do not believe I need to hide who I am nor what I think.
I am not ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.
And if this is about MY thoughts and feelings, then so what!!
*big intake of breath***
There is an exhaustive string of correspondence(email and text) I could post and throw out for discussion to help me gauge what is right/fair in all this. I have chosen not to as given time, these things will settle.
I no longer need to tell myself I am okay. You see, I am. One day has followed the other.
I have not missed a day of work and each of those days has been productive professionally.
My self care has increased. I am asking myself what I want and then doing that.
Tasks that have sat and waited for attention, have been done.
The house around me is ordered, and things I have in storage I am vetting and either recycling or finding homes for. I am being ruthless.
I have begun to search for a new place to reside. There is no rush on this but it is on my list.
I am gratefully for a bed made with elegant cotton sheets freshly laundered and sun dried.
I am grateful for the easy company of my daughters, who are also my friends.
More coming.......
That said, I am grateful for the support you each have given me which so offended Tony.
But here, it doesn;t matter what he thinks, this THIS is about me.
And I have missed my friends.
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"My self care has increased" - that is good news indeed. It is funny (peculiar- not ha ha) how that happens
ReplyDeleteJust keep in mind the saying, "For every door that closes, another one opens." Sounds like you know who you are, and what you need/want. That, in itself, is a sign that you have a level head on your shoulders, and will get through this. You've been staying busy, both at work, and at home, and that keeps your mind occupied. Good for you. You go, girl! HUGS!
ReplyDeleteBeen keeping my body busy too. Everything is so clean and clear and organised
ReplyDeletequote: "Everything is so clean and clear and organised."
ReplyDeletehon, that is not a priority. LIVE! Don't drive yourself too hard to try and have everything perfect. I hope you don't feel that everything must be perfect. Unless you really ENJOY having everything perfect.... just don't let yourself feel obligated to have it all perfect.
Gosh I hope you understand what I'm trying to say... {{{hugs}}}
I understand Dorrie. I just like thigs neat and clean and where they feel good, that's all. I am keping busy while I process all of this and work out what I want, what I enjoy ( for myself) and what I do from here.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have set yourself on a good path.
ReplyDeletere: "Every loss is an opportunity" Very true.
You are a smart woman.
\ash.. not smart - just well lived
ReplyDeleteI've certainly missed you and was a bit worried.
ReplyDeleteTis easier to blame someone than to own it. I really think he nitpicks at you because of his own misgivings. He has to love himself first. We all have faults, some of us choose to work on them ...
Sorting the house and sorting the mind.. tis good therapy to me. Very decluttering.
Sometimes, for no good reason, the relationship between two people becomes poison. It is good for neither. But like poisonous drugs, relationships can become addictive and when we break them, it is like withdrawal. But, it is what it is and fate has chosen a new path for you. That you will emerge stronger and better is obvious. You give as much back to your friends as they give to you. Pleased to have you back.
ReplyDeleteYour such a lovely writer, especially when you allow your words to sing. That said, a thousand I miss you's. I can barely wait for the day I can afford my OWM puter and come read you regular.
ReplyDeleteMy addy is...sunshine2share2000@yahoo.com
This site should have a private message section.
Read you soon my friend.Till then I'm enjoying a nice coffee this morn with ya:)
I have missed you, and have been concerned. I'm so very glad you are ok. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteYou must do for yourself whatever you feel you need. You are in no way responsible for his actions or reactions, thoughts or feelings- only your own. Whatever you do or decide, be gentle and loving with yourself. You deserve it.
I am keeping you in my heart, thoughts, and prayers. {{hugs}} and much love~ Gina
Thank you Gina. I am being kind to me, and doing what makes my heart sing. Geni is finding home a delight right now. Maggs
ReplyDelete